#(i know it's not the same kind of dx as others on this blog. but it's still technically self dxed so it counts)

[self-dx-culture-is]

Self dxed sciatica is having been tired of hearing "You're too young to have sciatic pain!" years ago

On an unrelated note, does anyone have any tips to help deal with sciatic pain?

[adhdandcomics]

adding to my tags because i’ve been thinkin a lot about the post i just reblogged and have more thoughts:

i’ll be real, the more i saw ‘hey adhd influencers are so annoying’ the more i worried that i was unconsciously contributing to the spreading reputation of adhd folks as annoying and over-pathologizing every symptom they experience

and then i realized. i am not a goddam influencer or life coach or representative. obviously i have some obligation as someone who cares about myself and the people that like my comics to not spread harmful ideology or blatant misinformation but i never intended myself to be a “’increase your productivity!!’ blog OR a ‘if you have XYZ you have adhd!’ blog. and i do this for fun, and originally started this blog bc i had a lot of internalized shame and self loathing about my adhd and thought if i could make it funny i might have less of that. let’s get real! and it worked!

i’ve obviously done this kind of thing— (hey these symptoms might be adhd!) a lot before in my life & on this blog, but there’s more to it than trying to be an “influencer” or whatever. a term that didn’t even exist when i started this blog!

i felt very isolated trying to find out if i had any mental problems & what have you originally because of large advice (etc) blogs with staunchly anti self Dx views at the time

so i overcorrected when i DID get dxed and tried to validate everyone who was like me. and of course. not the best course of action always for the ol mental health. tried to be the source of positivity and jokes that i didn’t see because the online adhd presence was near non-existent.

and anyway. i make a lot of fun of myself & the way m brain works in my comics obviously but it is not my obligation to... how do you say.... not be annoying online.

because if folks interpret MY little jokes as a strict guide to diagnosis. that’s on them, really, not me. i also believe “making adhd your entire personality” is a non-issue. so what if people find out they have it and get over excited with identifying as adhd. saying this as someone who DID do it. criticism of this gives the same vibes as people being annoyed that young queers make “being queer” their whole personality. im very obviously more than a guy with adhd, and id reckon other adhd comic artists are too. (im friends with a lot of them!) it’s fine to post about it online.

anyway. i just don’t take myself too seriously and i’m a comic artist for myself first! and you know what, i’ve been considered annoying my entire life. what do i care if a few more folks think i’m annoying. neurotypical or not

[avpdvoidspace]

hi sorry if this is weird but since i came across your blog (like a week ago lmao) i've been looking into / thinking about AvPD. it's been a little surreal to read about other people having experiences so similar to my own - while i've been diagnosed with GAD i don't feel like anyone in my life, including therapists, has really understood my social problems. and how treating it as "just" social anxiety feels like it's not addressing the underlying issues. and a lot of the time i feel like i shouldn't say anything, because it's like i don't actually want to get better. it's kind of a relief to hear someone else talk so plainly about the same thing. and reading over the section of the DSM about AvPD has been, not exactly earth-shattering, but like it's putting a lot of my experiences into words that i have trouble coming up with by myself. if that makes sense? so i was maybe kinda considering bringing it up the next time i see my therapist……. i mean i don't know enough to self-dx, obviously, but it might help me explain some things. and maybe i can get a second opinion.

anyway sorry if this is borderline-incoherent. but thank you for running this blog, it seems like it's helping a lot of people.

It totally makes sense and I'm glad seeing other people talk about it has been a relief for you. I definitely know what it's like to feel alone and like there's something uniquely off about me. I've heard avpd is a very common but extremely under-diagnosed PD, and I know terapists can be a little weird about PDs for various reasons. If you're feeling like GAD and social anxiety aren't fitting the struggles you're having though, and resources for avpd are a lot more helpful and relateable, It's okay to start looking in that direction. Unfortunately, the fact that it's so underdiagnosed means that it's pretty poorly understood even by professionals, and anecdotally, I've encountered a lot of therapists who have admitted they just don't know very much about it. This is one of the things that made me want to make this blog in the first place. The nature of avpd means that we're often going to be unable to open up to therapists, so I imagine we're pretty difficult to study. In absence of that, I think those of us who have avpd can work towards making out own resources and advocacy. Thanks for the ask, and good luck to you going forward. If you feel like this is what's going on with you, you're welcome here, and if you feel it's not as you learn more, you're still welcome here! Honestly I think exploring the nuances of avpd can be useful to other, often ignored aspects of neurodivergence.

[stardustjessie]

JESSIE'S 2024 ROADMAP

So, I just wanted to ramble about the projects I have planned out for 2024. I've been very ambitious about some due to being able to afford to invest in them. Of course, art will forever be my #1 ambition and will continue to improve my craft. I'm always finding new ways to improve and exploring new ideas. However; I do have various non-digital art related! And I want to tell you all on my own personal blog about them and what you can look forward from me in the future!

MUSIC PROJECTS

I've actually been taking my time to figure out how FL Studios work, and how to work with it with Audacity. I've been attempting at voice training, so once I'm satisfied with my voice, I'd really love to do lyrics. I'm planning on working out something special for the first quarter of 2024. An EP called "Hear my Voice! (Existence)". I want it to be focused on the progress of HRT and Voice Training and just the idea of artistic freedom and the great feeling it is to be able to create things the way I want after being so long unable to. I don't know, 3 songs sound good for an EP. I want to be crafty and creative with them. I'd love for it to be Lo-Fi Pop Punk. As in, actual Lo-Fi, not the Synthwave kind of Lo-Fi. I want it to be the classic lower quality and lower frequency sounding music. I have a grudging respect for Lo-Fi and what it can represent, so I want to have my own take on it. The other project would be a proper album for once I get the hang of it all. I plan to call it "Celestial Wishes". I so far only have the plans for it to be Pop Punk and be very angelic sounding. I want it to be like heaven answering my wishes to finally do music. Obviously I won't sing about that-! I want it to carry the story of Ponies living life and miracles happening in various ways. How many songs ? God knows! It's only an idea thus far, and will take shape later. Right now I want to focus on making a couple of singles, maybe having one done in December still even. That and focusing on the overall theming and style I want for "Hear my Voice! (Existence)". I'll post all of these on a new Youtube Channel I've created, StardustJessie Music! Subscribe for when I start posting some!

YOUTUBE VIDEOS

I don't know how aware you are, but I do have a Youtube Channel. I primarily post Video Game Analysis Essays. I'm extremely proud of the ones I made this year, those being Deus Ex 2 and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Well, I have two more videos planned out! The first, POKEMON SUN & MOON ARE GREAT AND HERE'S WHY; Which I'm very ambitious and passionate about this idea. Everyone was very quick to defend Sword & Shield, Sun & Moon didn't get that same treatment. I want to be one to defend Sun & Moon, which I have a lot of argument for, and have a lot to say about its history and the state of pokemon in that age. I actually really hated S&M when I first played it and deeply regretted buying Ultra Sun (Which I still do.), so it's almost like a redemption arc for me! I'll have to gather up a shitload of footage though. Pokemon Red, Silver, Sapphire, Ruby, Diamond, Black, X, Alpha Sapphire, Red Team Rescue, Explorers of Sky, Gates to Infinity, Super Mystery Dungeon, Sword, Violet, Rescue Team DX, Sun, Ultra Sun, and more! These are just the pokemon games I'll have to record! Not to count other games I bring up as a precedent and examples like Persona 4 which is some 60 hours of gameplay! So yeah. It's a lengthy project. Thankfully I'm purchasing a 4TB HDD this week so I should be able to gather that much footage without a worry. I imagine I'll only have this done in a year or even 2025! It's a tough project. However; I want to also work on another video! MORROWIND WALKED SO SKYRIM COULD RUN (AWAY WITH MY MONEY); I really despite Skyrim for a lot of reasons. But I really love Morrowind. A lot of the things I see people praise Skyrim are things I genuinely believe they'd have a better time and enjoyment of those aspects if they played Skyrim. I believe I can actually get this video done in 2024 as these games are waaaaaaaaaaaay shorter than all the shit I have to play for a Pokemon project! But even then, Skyrim would be some 30 hours and Morrowind some 15, not to mention any other games I talk about. It's a great topic to analyse and I'll be very ambitious. I should get to write it sometime and have a W.I.P project in mid 2024 so it'll be my annual essay.

BOOK PROJECTS

I'm very interested in writing my own book honestly. Ever since I read Dracula I've considered writing a story that touches on similar themes and ideas and can evolve them further through the lens of 2024. I'm slowly taking shots at it. Sometimes I write a sentence or two. As any Tumblr Writer knows, it's very tough. Be on the look out! Once I have anything concrete I'll definitely post!

I believe this would be it! I don't have many individual projects, but they are ambitious and time consuming projects that I want to have done next year or have something substantial to show in 2024! There are more projects, like my Game Project which I'm very passionate about and have 74 pages of documentation of and still working on it! Since it's on very early planning stage I rather not talk too much. But maybe 2025 roadmap ? Thank you for reading this if you have at all! I just want somewhere to put all my ideas. Who knows. It'll be interesting in 2034 to look back to 22 year old me being so ambitious, while 32 year old me has those ambitions fully realised and onto new projects. This is almost like an archival of my personal artistic ambition and my passion for the crafts of Writing, Visual Arts and Music.

[sidneyfirefae]

Hello!! I'm Sidney (she/fae). Welcome to my blog!

This is just my personal blog so it doesn't really have a theme or anything, just me reblogging stuff that interests me or feels important or is funny, etc. There's also an about me section further down, but first off, I wanna make sure to say this is a welcoming and safe space for:

TL;DR

All genders/gender identities (neopronouns/xenogenders included)

All romantic & sexual orientations

Intersex folks

Neurodivergent folks & mentally ill folks (if and when the distinction is important)

Self-diagnosed folks

All systems (traumagenic, endo, tulpa, etc)

Disabled folks (physical and mental disability)

Fat, plus-size, and other non-dominant body types

All religions & spiritual beliefs

All ethnic/cultural backgrounds

Kink

Furries

Probably forgetting some but will come back and add

Longer version

Queer folks!

This includes all members of the LGBTQIA+ community/communities outside of the Western episteme around what is considered "queer". Neopronoun users, intersex folks, ppl who are xenogender, and probably a lot of other things I can't think of are all welcome.

Neurodivergent & mentally ill folks!

Brains are Weird and the range of human experiences with said brains is very broad. There's still so much we don't really know, but I know to be kind. Self-diagnosis is valid! We are intimately familiar with the gaslighting and systemic/financial barriers involved in the diagnosis process and that diagnosis is not nearly as simple a thing as it's made out to be. People who self-dx have almost always done vast amounts of research into themselves and their experiences. Mental illnesses count as ND, as we have definitely experienced with OCD (although that's hardly the only exquisite flavor of brain sauce we have going on). It's still important to distinguish the two and be mindful of the nuance, especially since people's relationships to their own minds vary greatly.

Systems of all kinds!

Whether that be traumagenic, endo, tulpa, or any of the many other kinds of systems, plural folks are all welcome. I'm part of a traumagenic system myself and can only restate the previous point that Brains are Weird. Plurality is a broad spectrum and can be both healthy and not; in our experience, having each other has been critically helpful and we can't imagine life without each other. Syscourse is ... a lot and we try to avoid it, and I think ultimately it falls into the same issues any sort of excessive online discourse does, which is forgetting to account for diverse lived experiences and the real people experiencing them. Don't fakeclaim people.

Disabled folks!

Mentally and physically disabled folks, spoonies (or users of other systems) and all. No matter your needs, no matter how far you stray from that terrible concept of "normal", you have a place here. I'll do my best to be as respectful as I can, but there's still a lot I don't know about, so I apologize in advance and thank you for bearing with me. We identify with the label of disabled, but our experiences are unique just like everyone else.

All ethnicities/racial backgrounds!

Just like everything else here, this should go without saying, but I just want to be clear. We have studied anthropology and the history of conceptions of race/racism, and we know how ridiculous it all is. We're all just people. We are POC, but our experiences are only of our own ethnic background, and we're always trying to learn more about other cultures and experiences.

Religions of all sorts!

Any and all religious/spiritual beliefs and practices, so long as they are not used to harm people. We're not religious, but we also know that religion and identities that have historically been targeted by religious institutions can and absolutely do co-exist. Like a lot of things here, we're not very knowledgeable about many religions, but we hope to express nothing but respect and curiosity.

Kink!

I'll admit I don't know much about kink -- I'm aspec and an incredibly romantic sapphic with OCD -- but just because I don't personally vibe with the incredibly kinky stuff y'all be getting up to doesn't mean it's wrong in any way. Sexuality means different things to different people, and as long as it is explored consensually and healthily, there's nothing wrong with it. One of our system members is quite kinky, so I know firsthand that mutual understanding and acceptance of varying sexual preferences is absolutely possible. I'm also not a furry and don't entirely get it, but y'all are lovely and just as welcome here.

There's probably a lot I'm forgetting, but when I remember I'll make sure to add it. Basically, don't be a bigot. People are people, and I love you all.

____________________

About me

Howdy! You can call me Sidney Firefae. I'm a grey-ace nonbinary sapphic trans woman who uses she/fae pronouns. I'm part of a nameless system with a range of interests, and consequently I'm currently the only one of us who uses tumblr.

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I know there's probably stuff I've missed, hopefully I remember and can come back and add it.

Have a nice day!

[thoughtsofanaveragebeinguncut]

I have two things I wanted to get off my chest, one is more of a general update and the other is my usual rant like monologues about my current state of mind

first off, i love the work culture at my new workplace that i’m working at over the holidays. people are so sweet and it’s so different to the extremely corporate and retail environment that I was exposed to for 4 years at my previous workplace (good for building a cv ig, but was the anguish worth it? (lol i do be exaggerating but it literally felt underappreciated all the time and overworked because they were over staffed). Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Yeah, people are so nice. There is a man, a kindly workplace dad vibes, who said he wouldn’t mind taking me to and from work if I lived in his area (I do not, but it was a kind gesture). There is a girl who overshares about her life but she is always looking out for people and she volunteers to help me get stuff that I can’t get without even me prompting her (bc I’m awkward and feel bad for disrupting her). There is a lady and she is quite scary when she’s mad. Gives scary vibes but after getting to know her better, I can tell that she just speaks her mind and she is kind to me too. 

okay and secondly (really briefly because I need to get up at 6am tmrw for work and I’m tired lol). I received my invoice today for smth that I have to buy as part of my course. And I’m been working 5.5/7 days a week for almost a month now and what I’ve made doesn’t even cover the costs yet DX like wth fml anyways, and that’s not even all of it. Looking at my invoice and the things I’m getting, I feel extremely insecure about my own capabilities. I doubt my own skills and every time I think of what I need to do with the things I need to buy, I hate myself and my lack of ability to do things well. And I am so worried that I’ll never be able to do those things up to the standard that is required of me. idk it’s so pointless to be lost in a spiral of self doubt but I find it so difficult to crawl out of this hole that I’ve dug myself. i accidentally catastrophise too easily :((( eff me 

yeah, i just had no one to rant to so the internet is my free therapy ig, i just needed to vent. i’ve tried journalling but writing takes a lot longer than typing does. and i could just use like a google doc or like a private blog account just for me, but that just doesn’t hit the same (idk maybe one day, i like journalling it just takes so long) but yeah, hopefully i’ll be back soon with more positive feelings but for now, happy holidays and wishing me the best for the new year! 

[rumble-aint-a-rumble-without-me]

Hi Dillo! I’m new to your blog but I’m already obsessed with it <3 would you be able to do some headcanons about the gang with an s/o who travels a lot? Thank you!

A/N: There a little short, but I hope you like them! Thanks for the request and I hope you stick around for a while <3

DARRY CURTIS

I think there’s a part of Darry that wants to travel?

Like at one point, maybe even still, part of him wants to get out of town and go somewhere else for a while

But he knows his place, at the moment at least, is at home in Tulsa with his brothers, he sticks around for them

He’s gonna live vicariously through you y’know? He wants to hear all the stories about your escapades throughout the wide world <3

If you send him postcards or gift him little trinkets from your journey, Darry treats them like they’re made of gold, sticking them up to the fridge and putting them up on the mantle

SODAPOP CURTIS

Sodapop is going to beg and whine and pester Darry into letting him to tag along with your adventures

If he gets to go? You’re in for one of the best trips of your life

He’d be such a good road trip buddy to have, the drives would never be boring and you guys would have the best conversations

If Darry doesn’t let him go, very rare chance guys but he does have a job and Sodapop just can’t take time off all the time, Sodapop will set things up that he can call you

Anytime the phone rings while you’re gone, Sodapop is sprinting to get the phone before anyone else can      

 PONYBOY CURTIS

Pony wants to travel too, I think out of all the gang, he’s going to be the one that gets out and goes somewhere else

I think that’s even more likely if going somewhere else involves you-

You and Ponyboy rarely stay in the same place for a long time, there’s just so much to see and you guys are trying to make the most of it

Pony has a sketchbook full of all the different places that you’ve been, almost all the drawings have you in them

You guys definitely stop by Tulsa every now and then though, you check up on his brothers and the gang 

DALLAS WINSTON

It wouldn’t surprise me that Dally would end up with someone who likes to travel? He’s got a can’t-be-tied-down spirit so I think you guys would vibe well

But if it’s the kind of leaving where Dallas doesn’t go with you, there’s a possibility for a different outcome

If you leave Tulsa, the kind of leaving where Dallas can’t follow, there’s going to be a fight

I won’t lie to you dear friends, Dally doesn’t like the idea of you leaving him behind

He’s gotta really love you, and I mean really love you to do this, but there’s a chance of him sending you off with his ring so that you’ve got part of him still with you    

 JOHNNY CADE

Take Johnny with you!! Please take Johnny with you!!

He deserves so much more than Tulsa offers him and I think he would really thrive if you took him traveling with you

Johnny’s never been out of Tulsa before, it’s canon, so I think he’d really enjoy traveling!

Imagine all the memories you guys’ll make together <3 you’ll never have a dull moment when you go somewhere with Johnny

For some reason the mental image of sitting in a bakery with him somewhere in the world, where the only things that matter are you and him is floating around in my mind-

  TWO-BIT MATHEWS

God he wants to go with you, Two-Bit would give anything to go traveling with you

But, like with Darry, Two-Bit’s got a lot that’s keeping him in Tulsa

His mom is almost never home because of how much he works, he’s gotta keep an eye on his sister and make sure she’s taken care of too

When he gets the chance though, Two-Bit does everything he can to go traveling with you

You’re not allowed to drive honey <3 Two-Bit’s mama taught him to be a gentleman which means the two of you can take your car, but you’re gonna be in the passenger seat

STEVE RANDLE

He’s gotta get someone to sub in for him at the DX, but other than that, there’s not really much to keep him in Tulsa

Steve’ll said good-bye to the gang, but he doesn’t care for his parents too much so there’s nothing there

With you, he’s got almost guaranteed happiness, anywhere you go, he’s gonna have a good time

Won’t Let You Drive Because He’s A Gentleman Pt.2

Steve would love those little tourist traps with all the junky things like magnets and t-shirts and those types of things, he’d buy you something from every place you go

TIM SHEPARD

It takes a lot to convince Tim to travel with you, he’s practically a single parent trying to raise Angela and Curly

But I can see him putting the effort forth to make a long-distance relationship work, especially if he really loves you

Phone calls every so often to catch up, Tim’ll sit in the kitchen with the phone, sipping a mug of coffee while he complains about what you’ve missed in Tulsa

These phone calls involve a lot of complaining about whatever Curly and Angela have gotten into

He’s the first one to greet you when you get back to town too, he’s waiting for you to be home

CURLY SHEPARD

Whenever you tell stories of where you’ve been, Curly’s hanging on your every word, waiting to see what’ll happen next

It gets to the point where he asks you to tell them so often, he knows them by heart and call fill in the blanks before you get the chance

One day, Curly wants to travel with you to all the places you consider your favorite

You don’t have to do anything fancy, hell you can sleep in the car and Curly’ll be fine

He just wants to go somewhere else with you, see something with you, just stay with you for a while and explore somewhere new and exciting

[juicequeen21]

hey. i need your help, and the only autism help blogs i could find had asks off. sorry if this is too much.

so in june i got a evaluation for autism and OCD. i was diagnosed with OCD. i was told that I "wouldn't benefit from an autism diagnosis" (exact words). a previous doctor told me i had symptoms we "could label as autism or ADHD" (thanks) and i had been running on the assumption that I was autistic for months to keep from spiraling. I have a terrible memory, and therefore can't say 100% that i had symptoms before the pandemic.

i can relate to a good deal of autism experiences.

should i ask for another test? just self-dx? pleas help.

i love your posts. light in skirt forever

Hey! I am so sorry I am getting to this kind so late. So there is a lot of things to consider here, so to start as you have already experienced it can be hard to get a diagnosis for ASD or a variety of reasons. I imagine what the “wouldn’t benefit” comment was about is I know there was some information spreading about how being diagnosed with autism could be potentially harmful to someone legally or in other scenarios. I don’t know how much of this is based in truth or if it is just fear mongering, it would be something that you would want to do research on.

Next, self diagnosing. Because it can be so difficult to get a diagnosis for a variety of reasons, I’d say for the most part it is fine to self diagnose. Yes people have improperly self diagnosed for whatever reason but for ASD I can’t really see the benefit someone would gain from pretending to have it. There are such harmful negative stereotypes, and almost everyone around you seems to have at least one nasty thought about ASD that I don’t know why someone would want to expose themselves to that when they don’t have to. Personally I am all for self-dx in most scenarios, I think the fact that you are questioning whether or not you have the right to self-dx shows that you don’t have harmful intentions.

As for the not knowing if you had symptoms before hand, once you learn about ASD and are diagnosed or even self-dx you start to let a bit of the mask down, so those symptoms become more apparent. You also start to realize your behaviors are the same and just your entire life experience is inherently autistic in a way. That shift of a constant mask to being able to let your natural tendencies flow freely is shocking and it makes you question whether or not you are just faking it because you didn’t used to do it to this extreme. The reason it was less so in the past is because you didn’t know what it was and were trying to hide it, not because it didn’t exist. After I was first diagnosed I questioned whether I had always been the way I am or if it was new, basically that’s a common part of realizing you are autistic.

If getting an official diagnosis would help you in whatever way you desire then you should go for it, but if you want it because you think you need an official diagnosis for others then I wouldn’t get one. If you relate to the experience even if you aren’t autistic at all you still relate and there is nothing wrong with that, we can still talk about our shared experience. I wish I could word all my thoughts better and I know its bad, what I want you to know at the end of it all is that whatever you choose to do should be with your best interest at heart and if that means self-dx, go for it.

[refinedbuffoonery]

Flawless (6)

masterlist.

Content Warning: swearing, violence, sex, PTSD

Not gonna lie, this is a bit of a filler chapter. But the NEXT chapter...that’s the one you’ve all been waiting for. Also, I’ve had “bad guy” by Billie Eilish stuck in my head for DAYS, so that’s the song playing during the runway show. 

*****

A week after the job at the director’s house, Riley sank into her first-class airplane seat and immediately opened her laptop, the tan pleather chair squeaking slightly as she crossed her legs beneath her. Dimming the brightness, Riley angled her laptop so no one could see it but her. She’d been profiled plenty of times in the past while writing perfectly benevolent code. Riley certainly didn’t need anyone catching her working on something more nefarious. 

If she did this right, then she’d be able to just connect her phone to whatever Louvre computer that controlled security and be free to do whatever she wanted. 

If she didn’t...she’d need to brush up on her French. 

Nikki dozed in the seat beside her. She’d been bouncing off the walls all morning in anticipation of getting to see Fashion Week in person after Riley had promised to go with her to as many fashion shows as they could sneak into. Nikki’s excitement was infectious. While the priority was to see the runway show of the designer whose Louvre afterparty they were crashing, before they boarded the flight, Riley found herself sifting through fashion blogs to determine which other shows she wanted to see. All couture, of course. 

Across the aisle, Jill had her nose buried in an incredibly thick book Riley couldn’t see the cover of, and behind her, Cage and Desi curled together like a human pretzel as they watched a movie. They were disgustingly happy, and that made Riley happy too. 

When they were somewhere over the middle of the Atlantic, Nikki awoke, grumbling, “You’re going to ruin your eyes if you stare at that screen any longer.” She was right. Riley’s vision had started to blur at the edges hours ago, and she knew she’d have a hard time focusing on things in the distance when she finally looked up. Riley saved her work and shut her laptop. 

Nikki still hadn’t budged from her awkward curled position, but her eyes were open. Riley figured now was as good of a time as any to make Nikki answer her last lingering question. “So you still haven’t told me why you and your boyfriend broke up,” she probed. “You know, the one who hacks everything else.” 

Nikki sighed, rolling her head to glare at Riley. “Do I have to tell you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Fine.” Nikki sat up. “When we met, he told me he worked for a government think tank. Really nerdy stuff, does a lot of consulting. I figured he was smart but harmless.” 

“I remember.” 

“That was a lie. He’s a government agent, all right. But not the nerd kind. The double-O-seven kind.” 

Riley nearly choked. “A spy?” she hissed. “You dated a fucking spy?” 

“Surprise.” 

“How did you find out?” 

“The same way he found out about me. I originally told him I was a freelance art appraiser”—not far from the truth, actually— “and the IT job was to help make ends meet. We both bought each others’ lies at first, but over time we both struggled to keep our stories straight. And then one day it all just...fell into place, I guess. We had a massive fight, and by the time the dust settled, I think we both knew there was no going back to how things were before we knew the truth.” 

Riley laced her fingers through Nikki’s, conveying her empathy through touch rather than words. “What agency does he work for?” 

“The Phoenix Foundation.” 

“What the fuck is that?” 

“It’s DXS. The name changed while you were gone.” At least Nikki couldn’t still say the P-word either. But DXS...DXS could move Christmas. If Nikki’s boyfriend told anyone about her real job, they were all in trouble. Big trouble. 

“Think he’s going to come after you? Come after us?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Trying to lighten the mood, Riley said, “Ignoring the part where he knows you’re a criminal, it must’ve been pretty cool to date a real-life black-ops spy. I bet he knew all kinds of tricks.” The innuendo easily rolled off Riley’s tongue. 

Nikki smacked her shoulder. “We were having a nice moment and you had to go and ruin it by being gross. What the fuck, dude?” 

Riley rolled her eyes. “Love you too.” And she did. Despite the grudge she may or may not be holding, Riley loved her. She never stopped.

*****

They landed in Paris at night, and the Five Eyes crashed the moment they made it to their swanky, overpriced hotel room. The next day, they bounced around the city attending as many runway shows as traffic allowed. Riley didn’t understand the hubbub and overdone romanticism; Paris was just like any other major city—loud and overcrowded. And snobby. So very snobby. 

On their second day in Paris, the women chose to divide and conquer. Desi, Cage, and Jill teamed up to scope out the Louvre. Riley and Nikki attended the runway show of the designer whose masterpiece they intended to steal. 

As she and Nikki found their seats along the runway, Riley made a mental note of all the exits. Their seats were in the back, against a wall. Nikki hoped for a better view, but Riley liked it better this way. Sitting by a wall, she had something solid behind her and could see everyone come and go without having to turn around. Riley had always kept meticulous tabs on her surroundings—that’s what made her so good at her job—but the fear of not being able to see what’s coming was new. 

She didn’t tell Nikki about it. 

The blonde blended right in with the highly fashionable crowd, wearing a floor-length, gray plaid coat with hot pink lining. Nikki was completely in her element here, and sometimes Riley thought her friend would’ve been better off legitimately pursuing a career in fashion rather than letting Riley drag her into the world of shadows, secrets, and cons. 

While they waited, Riley fidgeted with a button on her black blazer. Her whole outfit was the same shade of her signature color—blouse, blazer, leather leggings. But her boots were the real showstopper—thigh-high black suede with intricate gold embroidery down the entire front. Riley saw them in a window yesterday and had immediately gone inside to purchase them. The boots were outrageously expensive, but it didn’t matter. Riley Davis was already a filthy rich woman, and after this job, she’d have more money than she would ever know what to do with. 

The house music quieted, and the designer—older man, favored his left leg, voice thin and raspy like a smoker—strutted down the runway, microphone in hand, welcoming the audience and beginning the show. He rambled on, ruminating over his inspiration for this collection. Nikki hung on every word. Riley tuned him out. 

So this was the man who was renting out the Louvre. Riley couldn’t even imagine the amount of money and favors it took to secure such an ostentatious party venue. 

What she could imagine, however, was that she’d surely be subjected to yet another one of these long-winded speeches at the afterparty tonight. On the bright side, that would buy her and her team extra time, making the job that much easier. 

The show began with a sweep of the lights as the music dropped to a low, pulsing beat Riley could feel just as much as she could hear. The crowd murmured respectfully as the first model appeared wearing a shiny black gown that looked like a trash bag had been melted to her body with the excess pooling on the floor. She told Nikki as much, earning an eye roll. 

The next gown was better—sheer fabric with countless thin, metallic gold vertical stripes. The skirt had pretty lines, giving the model the illusion of curves she didn’t have. After that was a strapless canary yellow ball gown with a full, pillowy train. 

“I don’t understand why designers keep making yellow clothes,” Riley hissed. “No one looks good in yellow.” 

“That model does.” 

“No one looks good in yellow.” 

Nikki twisted in her seat and glared, which Riley ignored. “Are you going to say anything nice?” 

“You’d miss my commentary if I stopped.” Riley’s snide comment earned her an elbow to the ribs, but she caught Nikki’s smile all the same. 

The next gown was cherry red satin, with huge ruffles on one shoulder and the opposite hip. The extra fabric was a lot, but there was something elegant about the gown nonetheless. 

Leanna would look good in that one, Riley stopped herself from saying aloud. Nikki—nor anyone else, for that matter—hadn’t said another word about Leanna since Riley first asked weeks ago. Suddenly their longtime friend was taboo, and Riley didn’t want to disrupt the tentative peace she had with Nikki just to push for answers she probably wouldn’t get. 

Another ugly gown, this one feathery pink with a sort of netting over top. 

But the last one...the last one caught the eye of every single person in the audience. 

Including Riley. 

The sheer dress was covered in intricate silver beading that accentuated its long sleeves and mermaid silhouette and left little to the imagination. It was the kind of show-stopping gown one wore when they wanted to be the center of attention. 

Despite the audience’s rising hum of approval, Riley still heard Nikki murmur, “That one is all you.” And it was. Riley would wear that gown in a heartbeat if she had the opportunity—too bad most jobs required her to blend in, not stand out. 

She was too busy lusting after the gown to respond. 

From her seat, Riley could just see into the wings, and she spotted who could only be the designer’s assistant, running the show behind the scenes. Even from a distance, Riley had a feeling the young woman’s hawk-like gaze missed absolutely nothing. The designer would be easy enough to bamboozle during the heist, but this woman could very likely become a problem. 

Riley committed the assistant’s appearance to memory and set the thought aside for later.

*****

Later that afternoon, the Five Eyes reconvened in their hotel suite. They still had a couple hours until they needed to get ready for the afterparty. Since only Cage and Nikki had been there before, Desi, Cage, and Jill had spent the day scouting the Louvre. It was good for Jill to work with Desi for a change; because of her military background, Desi’s way of thinking through a job diverged greatly from everyone else’s. 

Team meetings like this were one of Riley’s favorite parts of the job—swapping intel and strategizing the best way to pull off the job. Or the most fun way, which was usually also the riskiest. But tonight, the team was in unspoken agreement that they would play it safe, both because of Jill and the importance of this long-awaited job. 

Piled onto one plush, king-sized bed, the five women sat tangled together as they tore through the box of pastries Riley purchased on the way back to the hotel. For the first time in forever, Riley was hungry. She avoided dwelling on that fact as she licked her fingers and picked up stray crumbs that fell on the off-white comforter. 

“So, what did you learn?” Nikki quizzed Jill. 

Jill pushed up her glasses with her middle finger, speaking with her mouth full. “The room the party will be in is super fancy and at the far corner of the building.” She swallowed. “First floor.” 

“Good. What else?” Riley prompted. “How do Nikki or I get to security and the building’s system control?” 

“There’s an employee door in the hallway…” Jill trailed off. “Wait. This is a test, isn’t it? You already know.” 

Riley smirked. “I do.” 

Disbelief etched Jill’s face. “How? You told me yourself that you’ve never been there!” 

“I have my ways.” Riley would tell her eventually, but for now, it was more fun to lure trade secrets over Jill’s head. She reached for another buttery pastry, selecting one topped with slivered almonds.  

But before Riley could continue her taunting, Desi spoke up. “There’s something you should know.” The mood plummeted into seriousness. 

Riley and Nikki both raised their eyebrows. Go on. 

“Nikki’s ex was at the museum.” 

“Which one?” Nikki asked cautiously. Riley could hear the dread in her tone, the same dread that churned in her own stomach. 

“You know which one.” 

Riley swore. Nikki’s ex, the spy, was at the Louvre. “Did he see you?”

Cage answered, “We have to assume he did. And we also have to assume he recognized Desi and me as Nikki’s friends.” Riley set her pastry down, no longer hungry as the heist of her dreams started to crumble before her eyes. She refused to let that happen. 

“He was with a middle-aged man who definitely had a gun tucked into his belt,” Desi said. “Based on that and his haircut, I’d say he’s probably ex-military.” 

“Mac is too.” Tucking her knees to her chest, Nikki’s voice was uncharacteristically small as she spoke. Defeat wormed its way across her features. Nikki thought they couldn’t pull off the job now, Riley realized. 

No way. She wouldn’t let one stupid ex-boyfriend get in the way of her dream job. And her grossly large payday. 

“It’ll be fine,” Riley reassured. “He knows you’re into fashion, right?” Nikki nodded. “Then he has to assume you’re there for innocent, legitimate reasons. Innocent until proven guilty, remember? All we have to do is avoid looking suspicious, which we already do anyway. He won’t have any evidence to pin it on us besides a hunch, and even if he shares that hunch, he’ll get in trouble for not disclosing information about you and your relationship sooner.” 

Jill said, “That seems overly optimistic.” 

“Which one of us is the expert?” Riley snapped. Jill flinched, and the other three watched Riley warily. “Sorry,” she grumbled. 

The tension only somewhat dissipated. 

“Anyway,” Riley redirected. “We picked up the replicas.” She gestured to Nikki’s Balenciaga bag sitting open on a nearby chair. 

“Replicas?” Riley fought the urge to sigh at Jill and her constant questions. 

“What did you think we were going to do? Just take the jewelry and run like hell?” 

Jill’s silence was a resounding yes. 

“Pickpocketing 101. What did I tell you?” 

Understanding dawned in Jill’s wide, blue eyes. “When you steal something heavy, put something else in its place.” A pause. “We’re going to replace the jewelry with fakes so no one even realizes the real set is missing.” 

It was Cage’s turn to smirk. “She’s catching on.” The blonde leaned in. “So, can we see them?” 

Nikki was off the bed in an instant, retrieving a package wrapped in plain brown paper from her purse. She let Cage have the honor of unwrapping it and revealing the masterfully crafted jewels. 

The faux-sapphire and diamond necklace and earrings were stunning. And exact replicas of the real set. The only difference was a tiny, insignificant bump Nikki’s jeweler added to the back of each piece so they could quickly tell the difference between the replicas and the real deal. 

Desi whistled. “Damn. Those are stunning.” Beside her, Cage nodded appreciatively. “You would look so hot wearing those,” Desi murmured to her girlfriend. “Wearing only those.” 

Blushing furiously, Cage shoved her girlfriend off the bed. 

Riley knew that if she let them, her friends would spend hours examining the jewels. Clearing her throat to get everyone’s attention, she asked, “Everyone clear on the plan?” 

The four other women nodded in turn, first Desi, then Nikki, then Cage, and finally Jill. 

“Good.” 

“That’s it?” Jill questioned. “No team pep talk?” The other women chuckled, but Riley just rolled her eyes. 

“That one,” Desi pointed at Riley, “is the wrong person to ask for a pep talk.” 

Riley’s jaw dropped in mock outrage. “Hey! Speak for yourself.” Desi shrugged. Directing her attention back to Jill, “You really want a pep talk?” 

Jill blinked. 

“Don’t fuck this up.”

~ Tag List ~ Want to be added? Send me an ask. 

@macrileyedits​ / @hellishrose​ / @incorret-macgyver-quotes​ / @mylifequotesshowallofthem​ / @thecarrieonokay

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Yo, sooo... I recently self dx myself with BPD and PPD (also PTSD but my therapist said i had it so.. I dont count it as self dx) and Im kinda freaking out about it? (I freak out often thanks to PPD)

I know that its almost impossible for me to get an actual dx bc of my parents and also bc I'm a teen, but I feel like I don't deserve to talk about my experiences bc I'm not professionally dx....

Here’s the thing about self-diagnosis...

Having an informed, confident self-diagnosis can be less expensive, more helpful, and generally easier to deal with than an actual diagnosis. But that certainly doesn’t mean it comes without their own cons.

Personality disorders, like the ones you’ve mentioned, get a super bad rap, and if that diagnosis is common information to someone - an employer, for example - it can make them less likely to hire you. Same with signing up for foster care or adoption, or a million other things.

On the other hand, though, if you ever need medication, you will need a formal diagnosis, and you might not be able to wait until you turn eighteen. You may need help right then, and may self-medicate in unhealthy ways. Or perhaps you are already doing so right now, and I’m sorry for that. No one should have to go through that. All I can hope for is that you feel better and more grounded soon.

No matter which way you slice it, it sucks. However, the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to talk about it. Find other people like you. If they are relatable and their advice helps, great! If not, research related conditions and see if the symptoms match yours, then try to find more groups who might be able to support you where your parents have failed to.

But don’t feel like a self-diagnosis is somehow below a real diagnosis. It really isn’t. As long as your guess is informed, your educated hypothesis will take you a lot farther than waiting around for a completely irrefutable answer. That way, if and when you are given a formal diagnosis, you will already have coping mechanisms and skills ready to go instead of being lost in the paperwork and mommy blogs.

Though I don’t know much about the specific conditions you may have, I know that self-care is important for anyone, no matter what they are going through. Make sure to be kind to yourself, especially since you are exploring new territory. Imagine you are that clueless but intelligent explorer who is being taken on a trek through your brain by a native to your psyche. There will be a language barrier, and you may feel stupid for not getting it right away. But you are not stupid, and you will find your temple with a treasure trove of knowledge and understanding inside.

Just make sure to watch out for the rolling boulder of despair! It’ll getcha.

[popculturebuffet]

Amphibia Reviews: The First Temple or Bessie and Joe: The New OTP

Hello all you happy people! Amphibia season 2 moves right a long and it’s time for some video game shenanigans as we enter The First Temple! Family drama, snail on bird action, and outhouses await you under the cut with a recap/review with full spoilers. 

So we open with the Plantars having chocopillbug pancakes. Ironically my mom offered me chocolate chip pancakes after this and thank god for that. This is a rare treat to the point Anne didn’t even know they had choclate, and is suprisingly not strangling Hop Pop over this. Unsuprisingly he broke out the good stuff to try and make up for hiding the box and things are still VERY awkward between the two, with Hop Pop walking on Egghshells around Anne and Anne doing the same when he brings it up with both desperatley trying to avoid the subject and Sprig not helping by bringing it up a bunch. 

I like this a lot and didn’t really think about the series continuting any tension over his decision.. but should have. Partly because this is a modern animated show and most of this wonderful new wave of shows have a LOT of emotional nuance. ANd partly because this show dosen’t forget things even most nuanced shows forget: the fact the characters cause chaos and learn life lesons is outright RECOGNZIED by the show as a pattern and brought up quite often, as are the patterns that lead to it, like mostly being sprig and anne, anne’s impulsivness that sort of thing. It’s the kind of thing you just gloss over in most shows but this one lampshades to hell and back for funsies so when something THIS important happens, you’d better belivie it’s not just going to disappear. 

The tensions thankfully broken by a new arrival, as a massive sparrow shows up in the yard. “It’s a giant bird with.. books on it’s back.. what. “ Great delivery from bill there. Naturally it’s Marcy! 

I missed this little goober. Such a joy to be around, and she of course marvels over the Plantar’s house before getting back on track: She’s found the first temple.. even though she sent a letter saying that and it’s not commented on that she did. It set off the whole previous episode Marcy... you okay Mar-Mar?

That aside though it’s time for the first temple and Marcy asks for the Box, with Sprig trying to make a joke about how good thing she didn’t ask for it a week ago. 

Polly rightly punches him in the ribs... do frogs have ribs? Hold on.. okay here we go

Huh.. so they do not You learn something new every day. Well lack of ribs or no our heroes are ready.. while Marcy’s sparrow Joe is also ready TO GET IT ON. Yes really, he does a mating dance for Bessie, complete with an intersumental version of “Sylvia” from last season. God damn that bird’s got game. The only time i’ve seen more game is THIS. 

 Marcy tells him to knock it off. Look marcy your a pet owner now and as a pet owner, it’s your responsiblity.. to let your giant bird do horrifying things with a slightly smaller but still giant snail. it’s what nature intended. Nature was doing a lot of cocaine that day but we still honor her wishes. 

But anyways Marcy’s figure out something intresting about the box.. by winding it just right the gems pop out, which allows her to take one, we later find out it’s the green one, to use in the temple. So off we go with Marcy and the rest of the kids up top and Hop Pop.. screaming in Joe Sparrows claws. He’s fine. 

So while they get ready, Anne worries about the amount of puzzles and hazzards Marcy’s hyping for this but Marcy shurgs it off and gives her own big boast about how may RTS she’s beaten.. suspciously like Yuaan as one post on here pointed out. Not a huge suprise though, to Marcy she’d just be the grand hero out of one of her rpg’s and not think of how many people she probably killed or who she’s working for.. though you’d THNK given all the RPG’s both tapetop and on her switch she’s played, that Marcy would see that “the benevolent king turns out to be the big bad” trope coming. 

But Anne’s worry is not on the big bad of the show but on Marcy who has a tendency to get so in the zone she ignores the world around her, which goes from focusing on her game while helping anne get softserve leading to a mess, not letting Anne down in a play and.. Anne catching Marcy on tv as all the snakes escape from the zoo. 

Regardless our heroes arrive and while the awkwardness between anne and hop pop continues, they find a majestic temple.. and what appears to be an outhouse. Hey we all gotta poop sometimes, even people making a majestic temple.  If you don’t it comes out like this. 

So they head in and we get our first puzzle, a mysterious cube that lifts you into the air and allows you to tilt the thing around. 

Those of you wondering why I have such a strong reaction have ever never played breath of the wild or played it with a pro controller, i.e. NOT having to tilt the very thing your screen is on because Nintendo has failed to grasp that MAYBE people don’t like that, that it takes you out of the experince and that it’s really hard to focus on your screen while having to move the fucking system about. And the plantar’s getting horribly jostled around as she moves it is EXACTLY how it feels to play a puzzle requring that shit. 

Next is a color based tile dungeon leftover from Link’s Awakening DX. As marcy figures out the reds do fire and the blues do crushing... but she reads the language (And as she put earlier “Guess who learned an entire dead language?” God she’s precious. ) and finds a green with envy pun (Which Hop Pop takes offense to.. several of his friends are green.). Which is curious as given several citzens of amphibia are green.. why would they make a green pun? So she gets on one tile and Hop Pop plans to take the risk of getting on the other green tile, but Anne does it instead.. and things get heated between the two as Anne reveals she no longe feels like family since he did what he did for polly and sprig and hop pop takes offense as she IS. Even if he screwed up with her. But Anne’s near death experince activates the tile. 

The final challnge switches us from Zelda.. to Harry Freaking Potter. 

Now I used to love Harry Potter, with all of my heart. Then JK Rowling turned out to be a transphobic piece of shit who thinks she’s an ally, but is really a bigot who wants to “accept” trans people without giving them any rights. So yeah while I still love the starkid musicals, ore more accuratley the music from them, and own a copy of lego harry potter I got as a gift recently as both parties had no idea she was a monster when this stuff was made. Still a sore subject though, but if I didn’t bring up the similiarties I wouldn’t be doing my job as a critic and this was likely thought up long before JK outed herself as well...

No no the great mighty poo respects all peoples.. and wants to take their heads and ram it up his butt. He’s an equal opportunity butt rammer. 

Anyways this is the frog equivlent of chess flipfrog, and just like with Wizard chess, our heroes end up as the pieces minus marcy.. and in a nice twist on that scene, Anne ends up on the other side. Marcy is a grandmaster at it though so after an hour or so of play she almost wins.. only for the king equilvent to refuse to be taken and the automatic board she’s up against to send Anne against hop pop, and with our heroes magically restrained and given stone weapons, this can’t end well. Eventually though Anne’s forced to hit HOp Pop multiple times and while he says “well isn’t this what you wanted”, she says no.. she didn’t want to phsyically hurt him it’s just complicated. So we get one heck of an emotioinal scene as Hop Pop just wants to help and wants this to stop and dosen’t knoow how to fix this which as someone who desperatlyt ries to fix most emotional situations right away this hit very hard.. and her response of needing time hit harder. The two while not reconciled, ar ecloser to it and Marcy realizes what she’s done getting so obessed with winning and forfits for thier benifit. Our heroes leave, seemingly having lost.. only to find glowing arrows to the crap hole, which turns out to be the pedistal. The temple wasn’t just an intellegence test but empathy.. and the temples are clearly built to specifically test each of the chosen three, our heroines, specifically. Marcy’s tested her intellegence.. but also her willingness to let go of cold clyincal thought to do the right thing. That earns her her gem recharged and a flash in her eyes and her gem starts pointing to the next. She needs time to triangulate and hop pop and anne are back on workable footing... though our heroes offer to take a break instead of going to the next temple. 

Back in Newtopia, Yuaan reports on the toads gathering.. but dosen’t get to mentioning sasha before Marcy’s letter interrupts and Andridas oddly and aburbly dimisses her.. and goes to talk to a watcher with a thousand eyes, his “master” who has plans to undo the prophcey and get their revenge. 

Final Thoughts: This was a damn fine episode that gave Marcy some much needed character development, and gave the reveals of last episode some more emotiional fallout.  It also had some really great jokes as always. Top notch stuf. 

Next Time: Marcy tries to win everyone over through science and we FINALLY get an episode with the Frog Robot apparently. Horay

Next on this Blog: We go into final space yo! It’s unexpected births, ho yay, and horrifying zombie gary’s galore! 

Until then if you liked this review, follow me for more, join my patreon, comission a review if you please and i’ll see you at the next rainbow. Play us out jeff... and I haven’t done THAT bit in a while but eh. This song was too perfect. 

[dxmedstudent]

Hi Dx, I hope you're well! I would like to ask if you could express your thoughts/opinions on the effect of medical influencers (medical students/doctors who create social media profiles to promote products/services for for-profit companies) on the public perception of medical professionals? I personally can't help feel that there's something unethical about it but I am very keen to heed your opinion because you are one of the most conscientious and introspective professionals I have encountered

I find this tricky, and I've been thinking about this. To be honest, I find having a public persona on social media under your name, tricky full stop. I find medtwitter mildly anxiety inducing, and it feels like it's very easy to reply to something quickly with not the best phrasing and for conversation to miss a lot of nuances. I don't know who decided that a microblogging platform was where everyone is going to discuss deep and in depth issues that you can't bloody summarise in 140 characters, but somehow everyone is rolling with it despite the fact that being forced to sum things up pithily actively contributes to a lot of the confusion and hostility and side-picking that goes on.

Plus it can be hard to mantain a social media presence that others find acceptable, and taking advertising out of the equation, I feel we need to do more to humanise people's online presences. I have friends of friends that I'm not sure whether they are just cautious or possibly the most boring people on the planet because their social media is dry AF. It's worse with non doctors because whilst doctors are dry about medicine, but there are people out there who act like highway maintenance or sewage are the only thing they are even slightly interested in. Now, I'm not sure if they are just very cautious about being professional (or maybe they really are just...boring), but I know that if I was engaging socially under my real name and qualifications I might be very anxious to post anything too personal. But I think we need to normalise professionals revealing a little of themselves and their personality, because that's what makes people human and engaging and likeable. No, I don't' think professionals need to be posting weekly recipes or mommy blogs on their social media, but the odd thing that reminds us they have interests or a life isn't a terrible thing. To me, if our social media could literally be repaced by a bot that churns out bland platitudes, then what's the point in having a public social media presence at all? Now, on to advertising. I've seen plenty of professionals on social media, and it's not uncommon for people to advertise things/be sponsored. If I'm going to say that a lawyer or author or other content creator can have a sponsor, it'd feel unfair for me to say a doctor can't. But I do think there would have to be provisos for me to say it was ethical. I do think that social media still does a rubbish job of people making clear that they are advertising - so often it seems that influencers are covertly being paid a lot of money to speak positively about brands, and this is not always being acknowledged. I find the extent that things are being sponsored now disconcerting, mainly because the extent is often not clear. I find this difficult partly because I'm in the UK. I'm paid by the government (essentially) rather than by patients or my hospital specifically, and having a customer or sponsor relationship with medical companies just isn't how we work - i get paid the same whatever drugs I recommend, and what I recommend will be based on whatever NICE says (usually) and what my local trust has decided. I have a belief that if I professionally endorse something, it should be something I believe in or have used enough to feel it's worth recommending. And I think being doctors, it'd make sense for us to hold our online representatives to this standard. Would I advertise anything? Probably not - I can imagine that I may have occasionally recommended art equipment or tools that I've used, but I can't see myself ever recommending or advertising anything that I wouldn't recommend freely of my own volition. Now, in practice if a doctor advertises a scrubs supplier or something innocuous then I probably won't be too mad, because that is not something that their qualification has any bearing on, and I can buy that they might have a favourite brand of scrubs or pencil or whatever. i.e. I'd be disappointed to find out that they'd never used what they are advertising and are only doing it for the money. But I'd hope that they wouldn't be desperate enough financially to advertise something that they didn't think was good. But personally, if it's something medical, then I feel they'd have to follow what the usual rules are for advertising medical services in their country. I'd expect them not to advertise something unless they make it explicitly clear whether they are receiving funding from the company, and I'd expect them to bring lots of data to back up their assertions - rather like a drug rep brings a power point presentation and takes you over their research when trying to persuade you to prescribe their branded whatever. I also think this is different because drug reps advertise to

scientifically literate people, whereas a doctor on a youtube channel is potentially advertising to anyone, including patients. I think there are also ways you can potentially do this without being unethical. For example, I follow a dermatologist. They do have a social media presence that educates patients on simple conditions. They both discuss products that don't deliver (based on research and experience) and products that make a bigger difference (again according to research, or example like retinols for acne). When asked about specific brands, they might describe some brands that they personally use and they tend to give a range of commonly found examples rather than suggesting that any one brand is the 'right' treatment. They discuss lots of different treatments and AFAIK they aren't sponsored by brands or otherwise receiving freebies from them or making money off them, but if they were I would 100% expect them to make that clear. I don't hate what they do, but I can see ways in which a doctor could go wrong - for example if they didn't declare sponsorships. I also think that over the counter dermatological treatments and cosmetics fall under different licensing than medications, which can blur the lines. In the UK we don't have any advertisement of prescription drugs on TV or in our papers etc. So for me it's wild to imagine that in places like the US people are being bombarded with "ask your doctor if flurgibibbin is right for you!" when most drugs are only useful in relatively specific circumstances - and the right drug for the patient may not be the one that advertises the hardest. To sum up: 1. I'd hope that they don't advertise medical equipment or drugs. 2. If they do, I would want them to make clear the extent of their sponsorship/funding and back it up with data. 3. I'd also want it to follow the laws of that land regarding advertising for those kinds of services. 4. This is in general a bit of a grey area which makes me personally feel uncomfortable and personally I wouldn't accept money from a company to advertise it unless i was 100% going to rave about how great their products were anyway. Even then, I'm not sure I could do it. 5. there are a lot of ways for this to go wrong, and it's a potential ethical minefield.

6. so is social media in general TBH.

7. I believe we need to modernise how we present ourselves on social media because the public need to appreciate that we are people and not bots putting ou the blandest content ever.

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!

[marikiathoi]

More mug math

Making this its own post because the last one was long enough already. The point of this post is to figure out how to get mugs that fit together like the mugs below, but also hold the same amount of coffee.

I recommend reading this on my blog so the math displays properly.

We can reduce this problem to circles; specifically, if we have the circles \( x^2 + y^2 = 1 \) and \( (x - d)^2 + y^2 = r^2 \), where \( r \geq 0 \) and \( \lvert r - 1 \rvert \leq d \leq r + 1 \), we want the non-overlapping area of the second circle to equal \( \pi \).

The circles will look something like this:

They intersect at \( x = \frac{1 + d^2 - r^2}{2 d} \), so we can get the area of the overlap by integrating \[ \int_{d - r}^{(1 + d^2 - r^2)/(2 d)} \int_{-\sqrt{r^2 - (x - d)^2}}^{\sqrt{r^2 - (x - d)^2}} dy \, dx \] and \[ \int_{(1 + d^2 - r^2)/(2 d)}^1 \int_{\sqrt{1 - x^2}}^{\sqrt{1 - x^2}} dy \, dx \] then subtract those from \( \pi r^2 \). For convenience, let's call this area \( \text{mugarea}(r, d) \).

\[ \text{mugarea}(r, d) \] \[ = \frac{\pi r^2}{2} + \frac{1}{2} \sqrt{4 d^2 - (1 + d^2 - r^2)^2} - \text{arcsec} \, \left( \frac{2 d}{1 + d^2 - r^2} \right) \] \[ + r^2 \arctan \left( \frac{-1 + d^2 + r^2}{\sqrt{2 d^2 (1 + r^2) - d^4 - (-1 + r^2)^2}} \right) \]

Because \[ \frac{\partial}{\partial d} \text{mugarea}(r, d) = \sqrt{-d^2 - \frac{(-1 + r^2)^2}{d^2} + 2 (1 + r^2)} \geq 0 \] we know that the area is monotonically increasing as \( d \) increases, so we know \[ \text{mugarea}(r, \lvert r - 1 \rvert) \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq \text{mugarea}(r, r + 1) \]

When \( r = 0 \), \( \text{mugarea}(r, d) = 0 \).

When \( 0 < r < 1 \), \[ 0 \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq \pi r^2 < \pi \]

When \( r = 1 \), \[ 0 \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq \pi \] and \( \text{mugarea}(1, d) = \pi \iff r = 1, d = 2 \).

When \( 1 < r < \sqrt{2} \), \[ \pi (r^2 - 1) \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq \pi r^2 \] and \[ 0 < \pi (r^2 - 1) < \pi < \pi r^2 < 2 \pi \] so there must be some \( r - 1 < d < r + 1 \) for which \( \text{mugarea}(r, d) = \pi \). For \( {r - 1 < d < r + 1} \), \[ \frac{\partial}{\partial d} \text{mugarea}(r, d) > 0 \] so this means there's exactly one solution, which can be found for any particular \( r \) but is kind of hard to find in general.

When \( r = \sqrt{2} \), \[ \pi \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq 2 \pi \] and \[ \frac{\partial}{\partial d} \text{mugarea}(r, d) > 0 \] so the only solution to \( \text{mugarea}(\sqrt{2}, d) = \pi \) is \( r = \sqrt{2}, d = \sqrt{2} - 1 \).

When \( r > \sqrt{2} \), \[ \pi < \pi (r^2 - 1) \leq \text{mugarea}(r, d) \leq \pi r^2 \]

In summary: there are solutions when \( 1 \leq r \leq \sqrt{2} \). The \( r = 1 \) solution is just separate mugs:

The \( r = \sqrt{2} \) solution is putting one mug inside the other:

In-between solutions look something like this:

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Sakuraco March 21

I’m so sorry anyone who was waiting for this DX after getting it I realized that I should take a day or two enjoying everything, rather then opening it all at once. I got it Tuesday so my goal was to get it up Wednesday, then Thursday.

So then wouldn’t you know, when I got to begin working on this the first time, my laptop decides it don’t want to cooperate. Anyway, it seems to be fine again so we’re going to get into this. I hope you’re excited!

For anyone who might be unfamiliar with the blog, or hasn’t seen my post covering this new branding. Sakuraco is by the popular Japanese-themed series of subscription boxes from Tokyo Treat. What makes this different from their normal snack box, is that this one is more focused on the local unique items that you usually wouldn’t see outside of Japan, elegant snacks for tea, pastries, pretty utensils, and so on.

As a reminder, I was given an offer that grants me a bonus of 4 items. These seem to range to unique items and some repeats of the box content.

“Over the past year, our team has worked hard preparing Sakuraco and we are eager to finally share our hard work with you! While this year has been full of challenges for many, we hope to bring you a moment of indulgence and cultural discovery that you’ll look forward to every month.“

Before I get into the contents I wanted to take a moment to go over the book. It’s really thick, which made me start theorizing that this could be why the other brand booklets became thinner around this time last year. You might have seen me comment on that in some reviews.

Inside the book you get a greeting page, and a page featuring the team who worked on the box. We get pages covering the items in the box, the month’s theme and various special things about Japan; such as a page on Niigata prefecture, and pages related to Hanami/Cherry Blossom Viewing. Lastly, there is the photo contest page, and some social media stuff. The book also covers the makers of the items, if they are Vegetarian friendly, and have any allergens.

Sweet Sakura Tea

Our first two items are tea drinks, one was a bonus however, so I won’t be going into detail as I can’t exactly tell what it was supposed to be. This one however, was one of the main vocal points of the box, and very exciting! This tea only requires this pickled sakura/cherry blossom flower and very hot water. As you combine the two, the flower opens and you’re free to drink it. You can also re-use the flower to bake with if you wanted.

This tea comes from Japan Green Tea Center in Tokyo. This is vegetarian and includes no allergens.

♥ 

I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I didn’t like this. I mean, I don’t like tea very much to begin with but this doesn’t even taste like tea- it tasted like the salty water I throw together and gargle with when I have mouth work done, or throat soreness. It was really pretty to watch/try, but it’s taste isn’t for me. I guess I just have an immature palette.

Sakura Konpeito

In this box, we’ll also be seeing some items exclusively made for/by it. This was our first of those items, little konpeito (sugar candies resembling little stars, those things Mario collects in the Mario Galaxy series). These are by Sasaki Confections, veg friendly and no allergens.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

You’ve tried one basic konpeito, you have tried them all. I like how these ones are smaller though, and their colors are so pretty~

Sakura Monaka & Strawberry Castella

I decided to only name the items the box  is supposed to have, rather then add in the names of the bonus items. The reason this plate looks so full is because the Monaka came in 2 shapes, and the small pink thing is a bonus item. It’s a little piece of mochi, I think specifically ohagi. It’s small and the very cute, it was also fun to squish both in and out of the package :D I’m not sure about the flavor, it seems to be plain/sugary, but there’s a hint of something vaguely like coconut.

Next up is the baby Dorayaki nearby. Not much to say, it was very basic with red bean filling, just several times smaller than normal.

 - - - -

Next up, the Monaka, which as I said above came in 2 shapes and features a cute print resembling a cup or bowl with a brush used to whisk matcha. This one’s by Ito Confectionery in Nagano, veg friendly, no allergens. Filled with red bean, it has notes of sakura and a thin, melt in your mouth pink wafer outside.

♥ ♥ ♥ 

I like the taste of wafer, which is pretty non-existent. These are especially soft and melty, they stick to your lips a little. I can’t really confirm the scent of the sakura (my nose isn’t very reliable <3< it only works some times), but the red bean filling is very tasty, so I’d like to say it’s in there. I usually don’t entirely enjoy red bean, but it didn’t bother me here.

- - - -

The castella is a thin cake-like sandwich usually filled with cream, in this case strawberry! This is by Nisshindo Confectionery in Nagano, veg friendly, but it has soybeans, milk, egg, and flour in it. The cake itself is made from brown sugar, and it has a very light, airy texture.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

It seems kind of plain/basic when you look at it, and you don’t really get much cream. But it was still tasty in a gentle, delicate kind of way. Some people might say it’s underwhelming, but it offers a nice contrast to the other contents and you can still taste the cream. 

Sakura Madeleine, White Peach Castella, & Uji Matcha Castella

(sorry for the lighting, it was the next morning when I took this picture)

The madeleine comes from Ebisu Confectionery in Osaka. Veg friendly, but it has the same allergens as those listed above. You can see an image of it opened in the next pic, but I’ll talk about it here. It has sakura extract worked into the dough prior to baking. It resembles a muffin, or non-decorated cupcake.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I actually can’t remember this one in exact detail, but I know I liked it. It offered that hint of Sakura in a good way, and had a fluffy texture.

- - - -

These other two are another type of Castella Cake, which basically resemble a slice of plain cake. One is made from matcha/green tea, while the other is white peach. Both come from Ash Food Confectionery, located in Okayama. Both veg friendly, but they have the same allergens already listed, plus peach. 

The matcha cake features a red beans baked into the dough, while the white peach uses peach puree.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Both were very delicious x3 the cake was soft and moist, they tasted very fresh. I’m not big on green tea but I didn’t hate that one at all, I LOVED the peach one a lot though. It was sweet and the peach flavor was very noticeable. I’d recommend it out of the two, but both were winners in my book :3

Strawberry Dorayaki & Sakura Strawberry Crepe Roll

The madeleine ended up here because I completely forgot I already took it’s picture. I reviewed it above, so just try to ignore it’s presence here. Also, the plate you see being used was included with the box :3 isn’t it lovely~?

I’ll start with the crepe as there isn’t much to say, it’s in the packaging beneath the other two. It was all broken apart so I left it in the pack until I wanted to eat it. It comes from Nakajima Taishodo in Osaka, veg friendly, typical allergens. It has sakura worked into the batter to provide scent, and thin strawberry filling prior to being rolled up.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Broken or not it still tasted good. The flavoring was light but noticeable, so I enjoyed it.

- - - -

Our dorayaki comes from Hiyoshi Confectionery in Shimane, featuring the semi-sweet, pancake-esque treat (another type of castella) with strawberry jam and red bean filling. Veg friendly, features flour and egg allergens.

The booklet suggests eating this with the sakura tea as it should enhance the flavors of the filling.

♥ ♥

It’s on the dry side, not enough to make someone choke. The pancake outside has a faint maple scent and it’s not very sweet, and I can’t really say I was a big fan of the filling. It only tastes like red bean to me, I couldn’t notice any sign of strawberry.

Peach Sandwich, Red Bean Taiyaki, & Sakura Mochi Monaka

Our first snack comes from Bankokuya in Kagoshima, veg friendly, typical allergens; but oddly, no peach allergen. There is traces of alcohol in it though, which I didn’t even notice. It’s a simple, cake-like sandwich filled with peach cream.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The cake outside has a grainy, sugary texture which I wasn’t a huge fan of. But the cake is soft and the peach filling was sweet and fluffy~

- - - - -

Next up is a Monaka with mochi filling, from Tenkei Confectionery in Nagano. Veg friendly, includes egg. The monaka wafer is filled with a red bean mochi flavored with sakura petals baked inside,

♥ ♥ 

For as much as I like unique textures, I found this to be... too unique for me. The combination of crispy wafer didn’t go with the soft and squishy mochi inside. The mochi wasn’t my favorite either, but it wasn’t bad.

 - - - - -

Our last item here is another Sakuraco exclusive, a red bean taiyaki created by Haraya in Shimame. Veg friendly, typical allergens. Taiyaki is a fluffy, soft snack similar to the dorayaki (minus the maple flavoring), which is usually filled with red bean, cream, or chocolate. There’s even a special pan one can purchase in order to make them, and they are very popular.

♥ ♥ ♥ 

It’s soft and maybe a little dry, but I was mainly impressed with the detail on it, given how small it is. It’s really cute x3 Again, I’m not the biggest fan of red bean, and this was filled with it. So if you like it, you’d probably love this, but if you never tried it before or are like me, it’s sort of a meh thing. 

Sakura Senbei, Sakura Shrimp Senbei, & Sakurasen Cracker

Believe it or not, but we do get some savory items in here too! I love rice, especially when it’s in senbei form like this. These are each made by different companies and locations, so let’s start with the mini-sakura, shall we?

These are by Sakurado Confectionery in Niigata, and surprisingly are not veg friendly- because they include shrimp, flour, soybeans, and gelatin. They include soy sauce flavoring.

♥ ♥ ♥

Besides being really cute, they were pretty good. I wanted to love these and thought I would... but there is a shrimpiness that I could identify even without knowing it was in them. I used to like shrimp but for some reason I can’t stand it now. It bothered me a little, but it wasn’t a deal breaker.

- - - - -

Our rounded senbei comes from Sugi Confectionery in Aichi. It’s not veg friendly, and is made from flour, soybean, and squid. It has a mellow flavor and is a season limited edition item for Spring only, featuring the taste of Sakura.

The sakura-shaped senbei is from Kanazawa Kenroku Confectionery in Mie. Contains shrimp, not veg friendly.

♥ 

I felt the same way about both of them honestly. I tasted the fishiness so I really couldn’t tolerate them very much. Especially the round one, it’s crunch bordered on being unpleasant for me, but I loved the puffy-crunch of the other one. While they weren’t my favorites of the box, my mom (an avid seafood lover) liked them, in fact I think they perked her up a little that day when I gave them to her. She returned from chemo and was pretty hungry. 

Yoshino Kuzamochi

I saved this item for last because I was the most excited for it! This one comes from Nakajima Taishodo again. Kuzamochi is like a stiff jello, usually with little taste that you enhance using things such as a caramel, maple, or brown sugar sauce and/or kinako powder, which tastes a bit like peanut butter in my opinion. It contains soy beans (you roast them to get kinoko powder), and is veg friendly.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I know it doesn’t look very aesthetically pleasing (I made a little heart on top though~) but it tastes so yummy! The plain kuzamochi didn’t have much flavor, but adding both the sauce and kinako really adds to it. The brown sugar makes it sweet, while the kinako adds a gentle, toasty earthiness. The texture might be a little off-putting to some, given it’s jello-ish consistency, but I loved it.

Opinions

Content - 3 out of 5. One thing was broken but otherwise everything was great. I did have a couple of items I didn’t particularly like the taste of but it was so exciting to try everything! 

Theme: 4.5 out of 5. It was an elegant feeling box, by that I mean, seeing all the flowery inspiration and items. It was kind of nice how the first box they made actually matched up with the name, but that was probably just a coincidence. There was a couple of items that didn’t fit the theme, but that’s a bit trivial.

Total Rank: 8 out of 10 Cuties. For the first box, I thought it was just lovely. As I said, I had some complaint over taste but you can’t please everyone. I was so excited to get this box, everything was fun to try, and I love learning more about Japan so I appreciate how full our booklet is x3 I can tell they put a lot of effort into making this box, so I can’t wait to see what else they have in store for us!

[traumathings]

(1/2)So I've recently learned that I have 2 traumas, and fix the criteria of ptsd enough to self-dx. i'm not sure where to go from here... I can't seek professional help, but i do want to find out what the triggers to one of my traumas, since it's a lot further back and muddled. The other I knew about it and the triggers fairly quickly, so-idk. I just was hoping you might be able to help me figure out how to process and deal with my traumas, even if they don't (overtly) affect my life.

(2/2) I'm just very new to this, and don't know what i should and shouldn't do. I just want to understand myself and properly avoid things. Also unrelated but, it's a bit hard to read your description with the light background and text.

Hi anon, I’ve changed the font color, hopefully it’s a bit easier to read.

Alright, so I’m not a therapist. Like at all. I’m just a regular human being with a blog. I’m not even in the same realm as being qualified to process someone else’s trauma, that’s not something to take lightly. Here’s the thing. Trauma is a very pervasive thing. Sometimes you think it’s not affecting you anymore (or at all), to then realize it has changed the core way you interpret the world and deal with it so deeply you don’t even realize it because it is normalized. Specially traumas that happened very further back. 

If the trauma seems to not be affecting your life, digging thru it or trying to remember it may cause it to come back full force and that can give you a brand new batch of PTSD. Sometimes the reason we are “”non-affected”” (see no noticeable effects) by a trauma is because it has been suppressed. Trying to work thru a trauma by yourself or with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing might cause retraumatization or it may cause the trauma that was suppressed to come back (the memories) and that is not something that should be done outside a safe, professional setting. A trauma that hasn’t been processed and is so suppressed you can’t remember it right can absolutely trigger PTSD if you dig enough that you actually remember it again.

So the reason people avoid triggers isn’t because having triggers by itself is a bad thing. It’s because triggers are incredibly distressing. They create a reaction that if strong enough, can last for days on end. They can usually cause flashbacks which are akin to reliving your trauma. They can trigger emotions such as fear and disgust and terror and people don’t usually want to deal with that on a regular basis. So they avoid their triggers. If you don’t even remember the trauma well, findings what triggers you have is gonna have to rely solely on the reaction you have to things, when that reaction doesn’t seem to match what caused it. It might not be that straight forward. It might not even be related to that specific trauma.

Basically, if you truly think your traumas aren’t affecting your life that severely (or that old one is), leave them alone until you can find a therapist or some kind of professional help. You shouldn’t try to mess with an old trauma unless you know what you are doing. Usually therapists are very good in uncovering to us how an old trauma might actually be affecting us now. The point in processing a trauma is so the triggers are diminished and the trauma causes less distress in the person’s life. If the trauma in question is not causing noticeable distress, then it can wait until you find a therapist to help you with it.

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t deal with my traumas at all. Most of my traumas are distressing enough that just remembering a small part of it can trigger me. The traumas I try to process on my own are exclusively the ones who didn’t give me PTSD (a.k.a the old ones who gave me C-PTSD instead lmao). Even trying to remember the details of my trauma that my brain has already suppressed would distress me to no end. I am legitimately waiting until we can go out again to go look for my new therapist to help me with this. I have no desire to look at my traumas on my own, I need help. Older traumas can merge into your brain’s regular operation so much you might be unable to actually tell them apart from yourself at this point. That’s why therapists are useful, they will point out to you things that you’re used to already but that are less than... healthy.

So basically, I encourage you to try and find a therapist. IF a trauma YOU FULLY REMEMBER is not too distressing to you or isn’t the culprit in a recent case of PTSD, you can try to journal about it, how it makes you feel or record a video of yourself talking about it (as if you were filming an youtube video) because that can kinda work as a mini therapy, to help you realize things about what you’re saying. Otherwise don’t touch it with a 10 foot pole lol

(that doesn’t mean never touch the trauma ever again, but preferably do it when you have access to a therapist)

My method of “”processing”” old non PTSD inducing traumas was to think about them obsessively until it seemed like I reached a point of understanding on why the person acted why they acted. It helped in nothing lmao What helps in trauma is to realize it wasn’t your fault, the way other people act doesn’t have anything to do with you and to undo whatever cursed changes the trauma brought to your behavior and way of thinking. I can’t advise you on that because heck me if I know how to do it lol I post more trivia about trauma itself than about recovery or useful tips because I have almost none. When I learn something useful y’all will hear about it lol